You’re Not the Bad Guy: The Gritty Truth About Boundaries

Today we’re talking about something that will test every part of your nervous system: boundaries.

Let’s be real—setting boundaries sounds cute until you’re in the shower crying because you told someone no, and your inner child is spiraling thinking you just became the villain in your own story.

So yeah… let’s unpack this. Because this week? I had to make a really hard choice. Like, gut-wrenching, guilt-drenched, “Am I the bad guy??” kind of choice.

What Even Are Boundaries?

Let’s break it down:
Boundaries are limits. That’s it.
They’re not about control. They’re not about punishment. They’re not ultimatums.

Boundaries are how you say: “This is what I need to feel safe, whole, and not lose my fcking mind.”*

They draw the line between what you’re okay with and what you’re not. Between what you’ll allow into your life, your energy, your mind—and what you absolutely will not.

And let’s not sugarcoat it—some people will make you feel like your boundaries are mean, selfish, or dramatic. But the people who get mad when you draw a line? Are usually the ones who were benefitting from you not having one.

Boundaries can sound like:

• “I’m not available for that.”

• “That doesn’t work for me.”

• “I love you, but I’m not responsible for your happiness.”

• Or just: “No.” Full sentence. Revolutionary concept.

Setting boundaries doesn’t mean you’re unkind. It means you’ve stopped abandoning yourself to please other people.

Spicy Truths (Read These Twice)

• You don’t owe anyone a dissertation to say no. “No” is a complete sentence.

• Boundaries may make people uncomfortable. Comfort is not the goal. Clarity is.

• If setting boundaries feels selfish, it might be because you were taught that your worth is tied to how useful you are to others.

• Your boundaries are allowed to evolve. That doesn’t make you flaky—it makes you a human being who’s growing.

Boundaries are hard. Especially for those of us who’ve spent our lives being the fixer, the helper, the ride-or-die.

But boundaries are how we unlearn self-abandonment.
They’re how we stop betraying ourselves just to keep the peace.
They’re how we choose peace over performance.

Story Time: My Dad Called Me…

So here’s what went down.

A couple days ago, my dad called and asked for my help. And my gut? It dropped.

This is a man who never asks for help. And for a second, I felt that old familiar ache—the little girl in me still wishing to be enough. Still wanting to be chosen. Still hoping this time will be different.

But I said no.

Not because I didn’t care. Not because I don’t love him.

But because I. Don’t. Trust. Him.

My trust in him died the moment he chose others over me…the one person who always stood by his side even when he didn’t deserve me to.

Saying no to him felt like letting go of the role I’ve played my entire life—the fixer. The good daughter. The one who always shows up. The one who saves everyone.

And honestly? I felt like shit. I felt like a bad person. I even asked myself—Do I hate myself for not helping him?

And I spiraled. I cried. I journaled. I questioned my compassion. Because I still love him. Regardless of how much he hurt me.

Because here’s the truth: I still care. I still love him. That doesn’t just turn off because someone’s hurt you.

So yeah, I was scared. Of his reaction. Of his disappointment. Of the silence that might follow. Of the retaliation.

But I still said no.

And here’s what I told myself:

I’m not abandoning him. I’m just finally not abandoning myself.

And that broke me open. Because I’m still grieving the relationship I wish I had. The one where I could say no without guilt. The one where he protected me, instead of the other way around.

But that’s not our story. And I can’t keep bleeding for a version of it that only exists in my head.

You Are Not the Bad Guy for Choosing You

If you’re sitting in your own guilt right now, wrestling with your own boundary battle—please hear me:

You are not selfish for saying no.
You are not cold for protecting your peace.
You are not the villain for choosing yourself.

Yes, people might get mad. They might lash out. They might tell stories about you to make themselves feel better.

But your job is not to keep other people comfortable with your boundaries.

Your job is to honor yourself.

You don’t owe anyone your energy. Your time. Or your peace. Especially if they’ve shown you time and time again—they don’t know what to do with it.

You’re allowed to grieve. And still say no.

You’re allowed to love someone. And still not trust them.

You’re allowed to let go of the role that helped you survive—but is now killing you slowly.

So How the Hell Do You Set Boundaries?

Here’s the short version:

• Get Clear: What do you want? What do you need? What feels safe and respectful for you?

• Practice Saying It: Out loud. In the mirror. In a text to your therapist. Script it if you need to. This ain’t a pop quiz.

• Expect Pushback: Boundaries change the game. People who thrived off the old version of you might not love the new one. That doesn’t mean you’re wrong.

• Let Go of Being the Hero: You’re not here to save everyone. Especially not at the cost of yourself.

This one was personal. This one was hard. But I’m proud of myself. And if you’ve been walking through your own boundary storm, I hope you’re proud of you, too.

Even if your voice shakes. Even if you cry. Even if you have to reread your own message ten times to remind yourself you’re not the bad guy.

You’re just done setting yourself on fire to keep everyone else warm.

And if this hit home? Send it to someone else who needs it. Let them know that saying “no” is badass, brave, and absolutely necessary.

Want to work on your boundaries in therapy?
Come find us at www.novatherapypllc.com or check us out on Instagram and TikTok.

Peace, power, and boundaries. Always.