You’re Not the Bad Guy: The Gritty Truth About Boundaries

You’re Not the Bad Guy: The Gritty Truth About Boundaries

by | Apr 28, 2025 | Anxiety, Trauma- and Stressor-Related Disorders

Today we’re talking about something that will test every part of your nervous system: boundaries.

Let’s be real—setting boundaries sounds cute until you’re in the shower crying because you told someone no, and your inner child is spiraling thinking you just became the villain in your own story.

So yeah… let’s unpack this. Because this week? I had to make a really hard choice. Like, gut-wrenching, guilt-drenched, “Am I the bad guy??” kind of choice.

What Even Are Boundaries?

Let’s break it down:
Boundaries are limits. That’s it.
They’re not about control. They’re not about punishment. They’re not ultimatums.

Boundaries are how you say: “This is what I need to feel safe, whole, and not lose my fcking mind.”*

They draw the line between what you’re okay with and what you’re not. Between what you’ll allow into your life, your energy, your mind—and what you absolutely will not.

And let’s not sugarcoat it—some people will make you feel like your boundaries are mean, selfish, or dramatic. But the people who get mad when you draw a line? Are usually the ones who were benefitting from you not having one.

Boundaries can sound like:

  • “I’m not available for that.”

  • “That doesn’t work for me.”

  • “I love you, but I’m not responsible for your happiness.”

  • Or just: “No.” Full sentence. Revolutionary concept.

Setting boundaries doesn’t mean you’re unkind. It means you’ve stopped abandoning yourself to please other people.

Spicy Truths (Read These Twice)

  • You don’t owe anyone a dissertation to say no. “No” is a complete sentence.

  • Boundaries may make people uncomfortable. Comfort is not the goal. Clarity is.

  • If setting boundaries feels selfish, it might be because you were taught that your worth is tied to how useful you are to others.

  • Your boundaries are allowed to evolve. That doesn’t make you flaky—it makes you a human being who’s growing.

Boundaries are hard. Especially for those of us who’ve spent our lives being the fixer, the helper, the ride-or-die.

But boundaries are how we unlearn self-abandonment.
They’re how we stop betraying ourselves just to keep the peace.
They’re how we choose peace over performance.

Story Time: My Dad Called Me…

So here’s what went down.

A couple days ago, my dad called and asked for my help. And my gut? It dropped.

This is a man who never asks for help. And for a second, I felt that old familiar ache—the little girl in me still wishing to be enough. Still wanting to be chosen. Still hoping this time will be different.

But I said no.

Not because I didn’t care. Not because I don’t love him.

But because I. Don’t. Trust. Him.

My trust in him died the moment he chose others over me…the one person who always stood by his side even when he didn’t deserve me to.

Saying no to him felt like letting go of the role I’ve played my entire life—the fixer. The good daughter. The one who always shows up. The one who saves everyone.

And honestly? I felt like shit. I felt like a bad person. I even asked myself—Do I hate myself for not helping him?

And I spiraled. I cried. I journaled. I questioned my compassion. Because I still love him. Regardless of how much he hurt me.

Because here’s the truth: I still care. I still love him. That doesn’t just turn off because someone’s hurt you.

So yeah, I was scared. Of his reaction. Of his disappointment. Of the silence that might follow. Of the retaliation.

But I still said no.

And here’s what I told myself:

I’m not abandoning him. I’m just finally not abandoning myself.

And that broke me open. Because I’m still grieving the relationship I wish I had. The one where I could say no without guilt. The one where he protected me, instead of the other way around.

But that’s not our story. And I can’t keep bleeding for a version of it that only exists in my head.

You Are Not the Bad Guy for Choosing You

If you’re sitting in your own guilt right now, wrestling with your own boundary battle—please hear me:

You are not selfish for saying no.
You are not cold for protecting your peace.
You are not the villain for choosing yourself.

Yes, people might get mad. They might lash out. They might tell stories about you to make themselves feel better.

But your job is not to keep other people comfortable with your boundaries.

Your job is to honor yourself.

You don’t owe anyone your energy. Your time. Or your peace. Especially if they’ve shown you time and time again—they don’t know what to do with it.

You’re allowed to grieve. And still say no.

You’re allowed to love someone. And still not trust them.

You’re allowed to let go of the role that helped you survive—but is now killing you slowly.

So How the Hell Do You Set Boundaries?

Here’s the short version:

  • Get Clear: What do you want? What do you need? What feels safe and respectful for you?

  • Practice Saying It: Out loud. In the mirror. In a text to your therapist. Script it if you need to. This ain’t a pop quiz.

  • Expect Pushback: Boundaries change the game. People who thrived off the old version of you might not love the new one. That doesn’t mean you’re wrong.

  • Let Go of Being the Hero: You’re not here to save everyone. Especially not at the cost of yourself.

This one was personal. This one was hard. But I’m proud of myself. And if you’ve been walking through your own boundary storm, I hope you’re proud of you, too.

Even if your voice shakes. Even if you cry. Even if you have to reread your own message ten times to remind yourself you’re not the bad guy.

You’re just done setting yourself on fire to keep everyone else warm.

And if this hit home? Send it to someone else who needs it. Let them know that saying “no” is badass, brave, and absolutely necessary.

Want to work on your boundaries in therapy?
Come find us at www.novatherapypllc.com or check us out on Instagram and TikTok.

Peace, power, and boundaries. Always.

Redefining Success: Letting Go of Society’s Timeline

Redefining Success: Letting Go of Society’s Timeline

by | Apr 11, 2025 | Anxiety, General, Trauma- and Stressor-Related Disorders

You know what’s fucked up? Society teaches us that in order to be loved, we have to seem perfect. That if we follow this invisible checklist of life milestones, we’ll be happy, successful, and worthy of admiration. Graduate by 22, land the dream job, get married by 30, buy a house, have kids, and live happily ever after. And if you don’t? Well, welcome to the existential crisis club.

For years, I felt like I was falling behind. I dropped out of college during my undergrad, and it took me seven years to earn my degree. I didn’t get married until I was 30. I still don’t own a home, and I don’t have kids. Meanwhile, I watched my friends and family checking all the traditional boxes. The weddings, the mortgages, the baby announcements—it felt like everyone had their lives together while I was stuck in a never-ending game of catch-up. And let me tell you, that mindset? It was brutal on my mental health.

The Pressure to “Keep Up” is Ruining Our Mental Health

When we measure our success by society’s timeline, we set ourselves up for disappointment. Because let’s be real—life isn’t a neatly wrapped package with a predictable timeline. It’s messy, unpredictable, and uniquely yours. But the pressure to keep up with everyone else? That’s what leads to stress, anxiety, burnout, and an overwhelming feeling of not enoughness.

Scrolling through social media doesn’t help. You see people your age buying houses, traveling the world, launching businesses, or announcing engagements, and suddenly you’re questioning everything. Am I doing something wrong? Did I waste my time? Why am I not where they are? Spoiler alert: comparison is a liar, and social media is a highlight reel—not reality.

Success is Different for Everyone (And That’s a Good Thing)

So let’s rewrite the script. Success isn’t one-size-fits-all. Maybe for you, success means:

  • Prioritizing mental health over hustle culture.
  • Healing from trauma and breaking generational cycles.
  • Loving your job (even if it doesn’t come with a six-figure salary).
  • Finding joy in the little things, like slow mornings and deep conversations.
  • Building a community of people who actually get you.

When we fixate on outdated definitions of success, we rob ourselves of the joy of the present moment. We focus so much on what we haven’t accomplished that we forget to appreciate what we have.

Breaking Free From the Timeline Mentality

So how do we break free from this societal pressure? Here are a few things that helped me:

  1. Question the Narrative – Ask yourself: Is this something I actually want, or is it just what I think I should want?
  2. Celebrate Non-Traditional Wins – Healing, setting boundaries, personal growth—these are all major accomplishments.
  3. Step Away from the Comparison Game – Mute, unfollow, or take a break from social media when you need to.
  4. Create Your Own Definition of Success – One that aligns with your values, not anyone else’s.
  5. Be Kind to Yourself – Life isn’t a race. You’re not behind. You’re exactly where you need to be.

You Are Not Behind. You Are on Your Path.

If you’ve ever felt like you’re falling behind, take a deep breath. You’re not. There is no universal timeline for success, happiness, or fulfillment. Your path is your own, and the more you embrace it, the more you’ll realize—you were never behind in the first place.

So here’s your permission slip to live life your way. Success isn’t about checking arbitrary boxes—it’s about building a life that actually feels good to you.

And that? That’s worth celebrating. 🥂

Visit us at https://www.novatherapypllc.com to start breaking free!

What ADHD is Really Like: Busting Myths

What ADHD is Really Like: Busting Myths

by | Mar 28, 2025 | Anxiety, General, Trauma- and Stressor-Related Disorders

If you’ve spent any time on the internet, you’ve probably heard something about ADHD. Maybe you’ve seen memes about people with ADHD hyper-fixating on a random hobby for a week straight or forgetting where they put their phone while it’s literally in their hand. But ADHD is so much more than just being a little scatterbrained or “bad at paying attention.” It’s a full-life experience that impacts emotions, relationships, and even everyday routines.

And, fun fact—I don’t have ADHD, but my husband does. And let me tell you, it has been a journey of learning, understanding, and (let’s be real) exercising an unreal amount of patience. Like that one Valentine’s Day when I went to Pilates for an hour and came home to what looked like a natural disaster in our kitchen. While I so appreciated his effort to make steak, lobster, salad, chocolate-covered apples and strawberries, and a bouquet of flowers (romance level 100, right?), he completely destroyed the kitchen in the process. Dishes were everywhere, cabinet doors were all wide open, there wasn’t a single inch of counter space left. Meanwhile, I had planned for a super chill night—pizza, a movie, and just relaxing. Instead, I spent three hours helping him finish the meal (because he hadn’t even gotten to cooking yet) and then cleaning up the absolute wreckage.

And that, my friends, is just a glimpse of what it’s like to love someone with ADHD.

WHAT IS ADHD, REALLY?

First things first—let’s talk about what ADHD actually is. ADHD, or Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder, is a neurodevelopmental disorder that affects a person’s ability to regulate attention, impulses, and emotions. It’s not just about being “hyper” or “easily distracted”—it’s a full-body, full-life experience.

ADHD symptoms usually fall into three categories:

  1. Inattention – Difficulty focusing, getting easily distracted, forgetting things, struggling with organization and time management.
  2. Hyperactivity – Restlessness, fidgeting, trouble sitting still, feeling like they need to be doing something all the time.
  3. Impulsivity – Interrupting conversations, making decisions without thinking through consequences, emotional outbursts.

Not everyone with ADHD has hyperactivity—many people (especially adults) have more of the inattentive or combined type, meaning they might look totally “functional” on the outside but internally feel scattered, overwhelmed, and exhausted.

ADHD MYTHS: LET’S BUST ‘EM

Before we dive into what ADHD actually looks like, let’s clear up some of the biggest myths floating around out there.

MYTH #1: ADHD is just about not being able to focus.
Nope. ADHD is more like struggling to regulate focus. That means sometimes people with ADHD have trouble concentrating, but other times, they hyperfocus for hours on something they find interesting (hello, 10-hour deep dive into obscure Wikipedia pages).

MYTH #2: ADHD only affects kids.
Another hard no. While ADHD is often diagnosed in childhood, it doesn’t just disappear when someone turns 18. Adults with ADHD deal with challenges in work, relationships, and daily life—often without the support they needed when they were younger.

MYTH #3: People with ADHD are just lazy.
If I had a dollar for every time I heard this one, I could afford to hire someone to clean up after my husband’s next grand project. ADHD isn’t about laziness—it’s about executive dysfunction. That means starting tasks, organizing thoughts, and following through on plans can be way harder than it seems. It’s not a lack of effort; it’s a difference in brain wiring.

MYTH #4: ADHD isn’t a real disorder.
If only it were that simple. ADHD is a neurodevelopmental disorder, backed by decades of research and brain imaging. It affects how the brain processes information, regulates emotions, and manages impulses. So yeah, very real.

WHAT ADHD ACTUALLY LOOKS LIKE

So what does ADHD look like in real life? It’s different for everyone, but here are some common traits:

  • Impulsivity – Saying things without thinking, interrupting conversations, making questionable late-night online purchases.
  • Hyperfocus – Zoning in on one task for hours and completely forgetting to eat, drink water, or, you know, respond to texts.
  • Time Blindness – Thinking 10 minutes have passed when it’s actually been 2 hours (or vice versa).
  • Forgetfulness – Losing keys, forgetting appointments, or leaving the laundry in the washer for days (…weeks?).
  • Difficulty with Transitions – Struggling to shift from one task to another, especially if they’re deep in hyperfocus mode.
  • Emotional Dysregulation – Feeling emotions big time—whether it’s excitement, frustration, or stress.

LOVING SOMEONE WITH ADHD

Being married to someone with ADHD has taught me a lot about patience, communication, and adapting. Some days, I feel like the project manager of our lives—reminding him of appointments, helping him stay on track, and creating structure where his brain thrives. Other days, I see how his ADHD brings so much spontaneity, creativity, and energy into our life.

Here’s what I’ve learned:

  • Expect the unexpected. Plans might change because their brain suddenly decides now is the time for a random deep-clean of the closet or a new hobby.
  • Give gentle reminders, not nagging. Framing things positively helps—“Hey babe, remember you were going to call the doctor today?” instead of “Did you seriously forget again?”
  • Pick your battles. Some things just aren’t worth getting worked up over. If my husband leaves cabinets open, I take a deep breath and close them. It’s not the end of the world (even if it is mildly infuriating).
  • Celebrate their strengths. ADHD brains are full of creativity, passion, and out-of-the-box thinking. When they’re in their element, it’s magic.

FINAL THOUGHTS

If you love someone with ADHD—or you are someone with ADHD—just know that it’s not about “fixing” or “curing” anything. It’s about understanding, adapting, and appreciating the way ADHD brains work. Yes, there are challenges, but there’s also so much vibrancy, creativity, and fun that comes with it.

And if your partner ever decides to make an elaborate Valentine’s Day dinner while you’re out for an hour… just mentally prepare yourself. It might not go as planned, but hey, at least it makes for a good story. And don’t forget to visit us at https://www.novatherapypllc.com for your ADHD!

Who Am I, Really? Navigating Identity and Self-Discovery

Who Am I, Really? Navigating Identity and Self-Discovery

by | Mar 14, 2025 | Anxiety, General, Trauma- and Stressor-Related Disorders

There’s something both exhilarating and terrifying about the question: Who am I?

For a long time, I thought I knew. As a teenager, I had this image of myself that felt so solid. But looking back, it’s almost laughable how little I actually knew. The truth is, I spent my entire life trying to be the person everyone needed me to be—the responsible one, the strong one, the peacekeeper. I was the glue holding my family together, the problem solver, the one who had to be level-headed and put everyone else first.

I was also the one expected to succeed. My dad made it clear that I needed to be the first to finish college, the one to “make something” of myself. And I did—on the outside, at least. But on the inside? I was drowning.

The Cost of Living for Everyone But Yourself

For years, I didn’t understand why I was so deeply unhappy. Why I felt empty. Why I didn’t want to be alive. My teenage and young adult years were spent in this quiet, crushing depression that I couldn’t even fully name. It wasn’t just sadness—it was this deep, aching void that made life feel unbearable.

Now, I understand why. It was because I wasn’t actually living. My life wasn’t mine. I had no control, no autonomy, no space to even ask myself what I truly wanted.

But if I had been able to?

I would have said that I wanted to be a dancer. That I wanted to be famous. That I wanted to explore my sexual identity. That I wanted to at least try to discover who I was without the weight of expectations crushing me.

But I wasn’t allowed to. My family needed me to be the rock, the fixer, the one who smoothed things over when everything fell apart. It got to the point where dancing—something I once loved—no longer brought me joy because deep down, I knew I’d never get to be the dancer I dreamed I could be.

Breaking Free & Finally Choosing Myself

And then, in 2023, something changed.

I found the strength to finally say no more. I told the world—meaning my family—to stop fucking telling me who I should be. And for the first time, I started to figure out who I actually was.

And what I found?

I’m bisexual. And my husband, the love of my life, is the first person who fully accepts that part of me. He gave me the courage to stop caring about what others think, to embrace myself fully, to stop hiding.

I love Pilates—which is shocking because I spent years resenting fitness. But now I see that my hatred of exercise wasn’t about movement itself—it was about the societal pressure to look a certain way, to be thin enough, perfect enough, worthy enough.

I stopped comparing my life to other people’s timelines. I embraced my career path, even though it’s barely starting in my 30s. I found my own definition of success, one that actually feels meaningful to me.

And you know what? Dancing makes me happy again. Because now, it’s mine.

How to Start Your Own Journey of Self-Discovery

If you’re feeling lost, if you’re struggling to figure out who you are outside of what everyone expects from you—know that you’re not alone. And also? There’s no deadline on self-discovery. You don’t have to have it all figured out by 18, 25, or even 30.

So where do you start?

1. Get Curious About Yourself

Ask the big questions: What excites me? What drains me? If no one was watching, what would I do just for me?

2. Try New Things

You don’t find yourself by just thinking—you find yourself by doing. Experiment. Take risks. Try that new hobby, explore that passion, put yourself out there.

3. Embrace the Cringe

You’re going to mess up. You’re going to change your mind. You’re going to look back and laugh (or cringe) at past versions of yourself. That’s growth. That’s the point.

4. Therapy & Journaling

If you’re struggling with identity, therapy can be life-changing. And what better way to start therapy then with Nova Therapy! Visit us at https://www.novatherapypllc.com to get started. Journaling is another powerful way to untangle your thoughts and explore your emotions without judgment if therapy feels a little bit intimidating to you right now.

5. Mindfulness & Self-Compassion

Learn to sit with yourself without distractions. Meditation, breathwork, or even just taking a moment to pause can help you reconnect with what feels right for you.

6. Stop Comparing Your Journey to Others

Social media makes it look like everyone else has life figured out. They don’t. Your timeline is yours—own it.

7. Listen to Yourself

Not your family. Not your friends. Not society. You. What feels right? What aligns with your values? The more you trust yourself, the more your real identity will unfold.

Finding Purpose Without the Pressure

Let’s talk about purpose. That word can feel so heavy—like if you don’t have some grand, world-changing purpose figured out, you’re failing. But here’s the truth: Purpose isn’t just one big thing.

It’s found in the small moments. In the things that bring you joy. In how you show up for yourself and others.

Instead of asking, What’s my one true purpose?, ask:

👉 What brings meaning to my life right now?
👉 How can I create joy in my everyday life?
👉 What do I want to explore next?

You Are Becoming—And That’s Beautiful

If you’re in the thick of figuring out who you are, take a deep breath. You’re not behind. You’re not lost. You’re becoming. And that is a damn beautiful thing.

So keep exploring. Keep questioning. Keep growing.

And most importantly? Keep choosing you.

Understanding Trauma and Its Impact on Relationships

Understanding Trauma and Its Impact on Relationships

by | Feb 28, 2025 | Anxiety, Complex PTSD, Trauma- and Stressor-Related Disorders

Let’s be real—trauma isn’t just some buzzword. It’s a part of life for many of us, whether it’s from a tough childhood, heartbreak, or experiences we don’t even realize left a mark. And when we don’t deal with it, trauma has this sneaky way of showing up in our relationships. So today, let’s unpack how past trauma might be playing a role in your current connections, what the signs look like, and how you can start to heal and create healthier dynamics with the people you love.

How Trauma Affects Relationships

When we think about relationships, we want them to be about love, trust, and good vibes. But when unhealed trauma enters the picture, things can get messy. Trauma can mess with how we see the world, others, and even ourselves. It can make it tough to trust, open up, or communicate effectively.

For example, if you’ve been hurt by someone who walked out on you, you might fear rejection, leading to clinginess or even pushing people away first. If you’ve experienced betrayal, you might find yourself questioning your partner’s loyalty even when they’ve done nothing wrong. These reactions aren’t about the present—they’re echoes of the past.

The tricky part? Most of this happens on autopilot. You might not even realize your trauma is calling the shots. The good news? Recognizing this is a powerful first step.

Signs of Triggers and PTSD in Relationships

Trauma isn’t one-size-fits-all, but here are some common ways it might show up in your relationship:

  • You’re Super Reactive: A small disagreement feels like a huge deal, or you find yourself snapping easily.
  • You Avoid Certain Topics: Some things just feel too heavy or risky to talk about.
  • Trust Issues: Even when your partner hasn’t given you a reason, you find it hard to believe they’re being honest or loyal.
  • Always On Edge: You feel like you’re waiting for the other shoe to drop.
  • Low Self-Esteem: You question whether you’re worthy of love or if your partner truly cares about you.

If any of these sound familiar, it might be worth looking inward to see if unhealed trauma is playing a role.

The Pros and Cons of Bringing Trauma Into Relationships

Okay, so here’s the thing—nobody walks into a relationship without some baggage. And honestly? That’s okay. Trauma is just part of being human. But let’s break down how it can affect your relationship, both for better and worse:

The Upsides:

  • Deeper Connection: When you’re open about your struggles, it can lead to vulnerability and a closer bond.
  • Growth Opportunities: Working through trauma together can actually make your relationship stronger.
  • Empathy: People who’ve experienced trauma often have a deeper understanding and compassion for others.

The Downsides:

  • Misunderstandings: Trauma can cause you to misinterpret what your partner says or does.
  • Emotional Walls: It might be hard to fully open up, even when you want to.
  • Conflicts: Triggers can lead to unnecessary arguments or hurt feelings.

The key is acknowledging these dynamics so you can work through them together.

Steps Toward Healing and Building Healthy Dynamics

Healing isn’t an overnight fix—it’s a process. But it’s one that’s absolutely worth it. Here are some steps to get started:

  1. Spot the Patterns: Start noticing how your past might be influencing your present. A little reflection can go a long way.
  2. Talk It Out: Share your experiences and triggers with your partner. Being honest helps build understanding and trust.
  3. Get Professional Help: Therapy is a game-changer. A good therapist can help you process your trauma and develop healthier coping skills. Visit us at https://www.novatherapypllc.com to get started.
  4. Set Boundaries: Boundaries are about creating a safe space for both you and your partner. They’re not selfish—they’re essential.
  5. Show Yourself Grace: Healing is messy, and that’s okay. Be patient and kind to yourself along the way.

How Your Partner Can Support Your Healing

A supportive partner can make all the difference. If you’re in a relationship, here’s how your partner can help:

  • Just Listen: Sometimes you don’t need advice; you just need to feel heard.
  • Be Patient: Healing isn’t a straight line, and it takes time. Patience shows love and commitment.
  • Learn About Trauma: Encourage your partner to educate themselves so they can better understand your experience.
  • Offer Reassurance: A little encouragement and consistency go a long way in rebuilding trust.
  • Respect Boundaries: Whether it’s giving space or avoiding certain triggers, respecting your needs shows care and support.

Moving Forward Together

Here’s the thing: unhealed trauma doesn’t have to define your relationships. With some self-awareness, open communication, and a willingness to grow, you can create connections that are rooted in love, trust, and respect. Healing might feel daunting, but every step forward—no matter how small—is progress.

So, take a moment to reflect. Where are you on your healing journey? And if you’re ready, consider reaching out to a therapist or starting a conversation with your partner. You’ve got this, and brighter, healthier relationships are absolutely within reach.